Here I am on this random Thursday night.
A night after working Six Days in a row.
With one more shift to go.
Thirteen hours of being 'On Call'...
Which is seriously not that many hours of 'Call'.
Considering the work place and all.
But,
With 48 hours worked in the past six days,
I still have 8 hours more to go.
I am tired to say the least.
But Even more then the work
causing the lack of sleep...
it's due to
a friend of mine introducing me to a new reality TV Show.
Thanks for that.
Sincerely & sarcastically.
Last night I was planning on an early night.
I was falling asleep at the dinner table.
But seeing as it was too early for bed
(Is that really even a thing?!?! ~ please advise)
I thought I'd just glimpse an episode of this supposed juicy show.
And it was that.
This show took four hours of my life!
In one solid chunk.
And despite how tired I am
or as embarrassing as it is,
I don't regret it.
Because
well,
sometimes "reality" TV is just the escape that you need.
So anyway,
as I walked out of work today
I immediately connected with my family.
Literally,
the moment that I walked out of the building.
Because as with many of us,
work disconnects them from us.
Or Us from Them.
And so does binge watching "reality" TV late into the night.
So I was feeling,
Heavily disconnected.
So at this very moment in time,
where I want to connect my energy
is to our son
and all that is happening in his world.
So far across the country from us.
There are shifts occurring in his career.
Which are not my story to tell ~
at least not at this point in time
but if you know me,
You know damn well that is what I want to share.
If you know me,
You know that I want to run to a rooftop and shout
or stand out on my front lawn with an acoustic guitar
and sing my heart out.
Because sharing the joys that fill my heart
about the people that fill my heart
is everything to me.
But tonight I sit with acoustic music playing through my earbuds
as soulful lyrics quietly,
almost silently
flow from my mouth.
Or spill.
Perhaps off key
or maybe not.
I suppose that would depend on the perspective of the audience.
But with an audience of one,
I don't really seem to care.
It's a song that played on the radio
as I drove myself to the hospital
over two decades ago
while in premature labour
with our son.
It's crazy how I can feel
the emotions that I felt at that time.
Scared.
Brave.
Strong.
Alone.
But entirely connected with this little person I was protecting.
My husband may always regret that he was away fishing that weekend.
Or maybe he won't.
I don't know?
I am at an age
not of chronological years
but of lived wisdom
where I no longer feel that I have the right to assume what others should think or feel.
And I do not have the ego to take the stance to say that anyone should feel a particular way about any experience that is not mine.
I will not proclaim what anyone else 'should' feel.
So as I sit here thinking of the man
that this little person whom I was trying so hard to protect
has grown into,
Tears of pride and joy trickle down my cheeks.
Even though I don't sing the emotions that I feel
from a roof top
or from a front lawn
with an acoustic guitar in my hands
because well,
I can't play a guitar...
although I want to.
Maybe one day.
But it's not that.
It's because that extreme outward display of love
or pride
or joy
is only seen in rom-coms.
And it's always about romantic love.
But there is no greater love that I have experienced
then that of what a mother feels for a child.
Even her unborn child.
And I am not talking about obsession
or infatuation
or addiction
or 'puppy love'.
I am talking about pure love.
And I am not deprived
in love.
I have loved.
Have been loved.
I Am loved.
And I do love.
And I am not being weird.
You may think that I am
but I am not.
But what I think IS weird,
is that people don't openly
express their joy or pride in others
accomplishments
or achievements
or just their heartfelt love for them
as openly as they do
in rom-coms about 'puppy love'.
Because so many more things in life
bring us so much more joy
then 'puppy love'.
Like the Love of a mother
that is so very proud
to call a certain man
her Son.
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