This Evening is a Magical One.
An Evening filled with
Wishes & Wonder.
As a child the evening is all about you.
As a parent the evening is all about our children.
I'm sure I'm not the only one,
but I find that the early morning of the Eve is pretty magical too.
The peace of waking when it's still dark outside
but not having anywhere to rush off to.
The tranquil, stillness of the house.
Christmas music softly playing to me and my own thoughts.
Notes of nutmeg, cinnamon & cloves wafting from the hot cup of coffee in my hand.
The only light is the twinkling glow of the Christmas Tree.
Staring into that tree, is like staring at a movie screen in my mind of the past.
Less poetically we all know that is just called my "memory".
Ornaments triggering a specific moment from the past
that fill my mind
and my heart.
Which then snowball to another moment and then to another.
An abundance of joy filling my heart.
The bounty of that love expanding so much,
that it feels as if my heart could burst right out of my chest.
I can't help but see the vision of the old Grinch cartoon.
And as I sit here,
another feeling starts to rise...
Hints of regret.
Or perhaps it's more like hints of grief
for
choosing a profession that took me away from my children
every other Christmas.
And don't misunderstand me,
it's not that I regret my profession,
that is certainly not the case.
I regret and grieve lost moments with my children.
I am grateful that I chose a profession that has taught me so very much,
not only intellectually.
A profession that given me so very much
mentally, emotionally and soulfully over the last twenty four years.
And it's not that I begrudged having to care for others on these magical days
because working of those days was pretty magical too.
And while we were living in those moments,
at that time in our lives,
we went with the flow.
We didn't begrudge any of it in the moment.
It was just the way it was.
We altered our routine depending on which parent was working,
because we both worked holidays.
We shifted when we would have our Christmas Dinner
or what time of day that we would open gifts.
We always wanted to ensure that those traditions were done collectively
as our little family of four.
But as I sit here now in front of the tree
looking back over the years,
I can't help but wonder if it hurt my children in ways that they never expressed or even realized.
Although, I do know that this taught my children patience... they never frantically tore open any gifts.
They patiently waited until we were all present.
Even if it meant shaking and guessing at Santa's gifts until we were all home together.
They patiently waited.
Then with gratitude, we'd take turns one by one, opening a gift while the other three looked on with just as much excitement as the one opening the gift.
I Hold on to those Magical Moments like Santa grips the reins of his Magical deer.
Nurses give so much of ourselves to others that it takes parts of us away from our own people.
As do all First Responders and all Medical professionals who have chosen a career that runs 24/7.
Careers that never take a break.
So with my Christmas Coffee in hand I toast to you.
I Wish You all a Magical Evening filled with Peace & Joy & Wonder.
jj
xo
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