Muscle Memory

Last night I slept better than I have in a very, very long time.

My heart was full.

MY family were all home in their beds.

Tonight I am acutely aware of how my heart and mind have innately latched onto their muscle memory of anxiety and worry of having a 'child' going out on a Saturday night.

In my case,

Child = my full grown Adult Male.

HE hasn't lived at home in nearly three years

but having him take the car to go to a gathering out of town,

in the dark,

on Halloween weekend,

fills me with the same fear that would've consumed me before he moved across the country.

The word 'Consumed' is me just being a bit dramatic.

In fact,

the anxiety I feel in the pit of my stomach

and the weight on my heart right now is probably even greater

than it would've been three years ago,

because I am no longer used to this feeling.

And the fact that the violence in the world has seemed to have amplified so much since then.

The armour that I once wore to contend with my worrisome mothering mind has been stashed away in some closet somewhere.

The world is a scary place.

The violence is on the news every day.

And even though I can logically say that I am being foolish... am I though?

But none the less I tell myself that I am being foolish and that he will be "just fine".

While my body tells me to hang on for the ride,

because these feelings in my heart & in the pit of my stomach are here for the night.