There have been times over the years I've been invited to events.
Parties.
Gatherings.
Social Functions.
And some I chose not to go to.
I've heard it's because "She's always done her own thing."
And I know I've been judged for it.
By people who call themselves friends.
And because of that, many times I have carried feelings of hurt & guilt.
A burden that I shouldn't have ever carried.
No one else is protecting my heart & soul other than me.
And for the longest time I didn't even know how to do that.
But I suppose avoiding certain situations was the start of it.
So I guess I kinda have always done my own thing,
that is partly true.
But it's not because I didn't want to be a part of things.
Truth is.
I didn't have a choice.
Initially isolated ~ because that's key to any abusive relationship.
Tarnish existing relationships.
And Good Luck ever trying to rebuild them or catching up to fit into the group ever again.
And then,
My life changed
dramatically ~
in ways that would be impossible for anyone other than myself to understand.
So,
I never fit in.
Not really.
And as time passes,
it becomes harder for me to ever get together with large groups of people
who I knew in high school.
Which I realize was a life time ago,
but none the less still very triggering.
Such a short period of time in life ~
but such a foundational time period.
High School was not a good time for me.
I spent most of those years in an abusive relationship.
An adult-like abusive relationship,
although we weren't even adults.
And when I wasn't in said relationship, the dark cloud of it still followed me.
That cloud resurfaces on occasion since that time...
even in unexpected situations,
and each time it's like a sucker punch to my gut.
I recoil to that shameful girl that doesn't speak her mind or stand her ground.
And then I walk away cursing myself for not STANDing TALL as the person that I am today.
People who don't know me in my current life still associate me to that era of my life.
It's weird how we do that as humans ~ seem to think that people stay frozen in time since the last time that we saw them.
Some people associate me to that era of my life.
Which was decades ago, so I don't quite get it?
People evolve
or at least
I know I have
and I actively try to evolve more and more each day.
So,
I don't live in the 4 years of my life that some people seem to latch onto as their best years.
WE weren't even adults.
I didn't even know who I was at that time.
But I do know all that She lost.
So I don’t want to reminisce about that time in my life or be reminded of in my current day.
Why would I ever set myself up to be emotionally challenged or triggered in such a way?
Honestly, who on earth would want that for themselves?
Comments